A person named slagosto posted a comment on Walking the Black Dog. I wish this person had a blog because I was mesmerized by their comments on the Depression in the Workplace entry. Please do visit the entry and check out the original comment. Very rarely am I at a loss for words, however ever since January things have felt different for me – better different. It’s as if I have a growing different perspective but one that I have not been able to clearly articulate, until I read slagosto’s comment.
I have modified her (assuming it is a her) thoughts below. Many of the sentences are her original words. My aim is not to take credit for the originality of this entry but to share the clarity of thoughts that help me articulate what I have been trying to give words to for some time now.
Acceptance – I have stopped fighting my depression. I cry when I feel like crying. I punch pillows when I feel angry. I take a walk when I want to be alone. I allow myself to be human. I turn off the lights and lay in the dark and just let the stream of consciousness happen. I find this way it comes, it goes, it passes and I am still OK.
Being Silent More – Another thing I have been doing more is listening, especially just being silent and just listening to other people interact in meetings. I have noticed two things here, (1) my questions usually all get answered without me even needing to ask, (2) if they don’t it’s usually fine, (3) It is often comical to me now to see how ridiculous people and their drama can be and I refuse to get hooked by the drama any longer. In most of these situations the drama is not about the work being met about but the drama of who needs to be heard or who needs to be right.
Surrender (this was my favorite part of slgosto’s comment) – I was tired and I just said forget it! I’m not playing this game any longer. I surrender. Right now, I’m sitting at work with a list of things to do a mile long, I have a cup of hazelnut coffee on my desk that I am tasting and smelling and I am keeping that higher on my conciousness than the work I am performing. I no longer try to know everything. When people ask me something and I don’t know the answer, I just say “I don’t know”. I don’t offer to find out for them. I don’t tell them what I think. I just say “I don’t know”. Usually they just walk away. I no longer multitask, I just do one thing at a time. If I’m busy with something, I say “I’ll have to get back with you later”. If my boss or someone wants to change something and they ask me my opinion I just say “Whatever you think”. I don’t try to give my opinion unless of course I feel very, very strongly about it. I guess I choose my battles now. I find now that my growing peace and joy are more important than whether we put data here or put it there, whether we stream it or download it. You’re the boss so whatever you think. This is one of the many reasons that I am not interested in having direct management of other people.
One of slagosto’s favorite books is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz – I must add this to my reading list.
I end with this. How can someone I have never met; someone who posted a comment, somewhere else, that I stumbled upon, so accurately articulate exactly what I have been feeling the last 4 months? I am going to go with Acceptance here and not ask, “why?” or “how?” but instead just be grateful that it is.