Today I went to a birthday lunch with my neighbor across the street and two of her girlfriends. We have been friendly with her and her husband since we moved in and I thought it was nice of her husband to include me in the plans.
As I sat there at lunch and listened to the girls compare “war” stories over pregnancy, labor, delivery and sleep deprivation after their babies were born, I started to to feel a little detached. As the conversation progressed I realized that while I love children I will never be part of that club – the mommy club.
I brushed this feeling off but somehow it morphed into a wondering of who I identify with. If I am not in the new mom club, I am also not in the Child Free by Choice group. While we have chosen not to pursue fertility treatment, NOT having a baby naturally was not a choice we made. I also don’t fall into any of the more obvious infertility groups. As an infertile woman who has chosen not to persue aggressive fertility options (egg donor or surrogate would be my choices) I feel I don’t really connect with the women who are doing it all to try and conceive. I feel like I fail them. I feel like by their standards I should be “doing it all, anything and everything” to try and get pregnant; why I have not chosen this path is another post in and of itself.
Most days I am OK with where I am, with who I am and with my life as it is has unfolded – most of the time – sometimes, like today – when I am around new babies and new moms I struggle with the emotions that seem to bubble to the surface and seem to make me question things a little more.This time though my questions are more about who I am? What defines me and do I like that definition? I am not sure any of us really have a solid never moving answer to these questions as we all change over time. For me, right now not having an answer that I can easily call upon makes me feel vulnerable in some weird way.
I’m not sure I have a nice tidy wrap up ending for this post. Mostly just my random thoughts from today.
Who do you identify with? What defines you as who you are? Do you like or dislike this definition of yourself?