While I have not been a super involved student at the Courageous Year e-course these last few weeks I have found the e-course amazing. This week one of the topics is emotion. This is what I have to say about emotion, me and the e-course:
I am an emotional girl. Wait! Wait…Did you hear me?
On my best days I am emotional and on my worst days I am emotional. I have recently been surprised at how different my emotions have been from what I expected. You might have noticed that I have been scarce around here the last few weeks. It has been because everything has just been moving at a whirlwind pace with my separation from my husband.
We are meeting with a relator tonight to put our house on the market so that we can get into our own places as soon as possible. (emotion here relief = I never really liked being a homeowner). Living together after you have “separated” is not easy (emotion here = frustration at the awkwardness of it). I can say that as hard as it is I am not feeling any emotions of doubt about my decision. Emotions of guilt over hurting my husband and “breaking his heart” – yes, but no doubt.
Speaking of emotions I am getting a bit choked up as I write this because everyone in the e-course, all my blog readers, and my friends in real life have been such amazing source of support for me. The e-course did not cause me to make the decision to leave my husband (it is much more complex than that) but I do really believe in my heart that the message I was taking away from the course as well as from other areas of my life really gave me the strength to be true to myself and to “step into the fear and do it anyway”.
When I was talking with Kate (e-course leader) about this she phrased it perfectly (of course!) She said, “I get a sense from your words of almost being relieved at being able to speak your truth about where you’re at.” Yes, yes, yes! I might have said this before here so bear with me…
When you meet someone you compromise because you want to, then with each step into the relationship – moving in together, getting engaged, getting married etc. – you compromise a little more and in my case it was compromising a little more of myself each time (though I did not know it at the time) and eventually after 10 years of marriage I felt all compromised out. Like I had no more of me, and no more emotion to give, so it was time, but it is still sad.
I am at the moment – a VERY emotional girl. Thank you all for being wonderful.