It is a historical fact that I deal with depression and anxiety and that it gets worse in the winter. So do millions of other people. The thing is, I don’t really talk about it much anymore. When I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety back in 1995 I talked and blogged about it a lot. It was my catharsis and it helped a lot then, in fact, it is how I started blogging.
Now I know it will pass. As much as I hate the dark cloud and hate the funk I know it passes. I know it can creep up on me and permeate my presence at any time, but that the winter months are the worst and I know *this* winter in particular is a rocky one.
It’s my first winter on my own after my divorce and I am just feeling lonely and blue. I am and have always been a functioning depressed person. No matter how bad I feel I have always gone to work, held up my obligations, and pushed it aside for others. I can count on one hand the number of times I have stayed home just because I didn’t feel like going to work.
Some people say this is good to, “just keep moving” and most of the time I think so to, but there are times when I do wonder, “what would happen if I just stopped and gave into it?”
I hate being in a funk but giving into it just isn’t in my nature. I have learned over the years to give myself time and space to just be – but never to just stop all together. Someone once gave me a button that said something along the lines of, “Destress? But stress is the glue that holds me together.”
Somedays that is more true than I would like to admit. The problem with this approach is that everyone then thinks you are this super strong person and they walk around saying things like, “wow I am surprised at how well you handled your divorce,” or “she can handle it, she’s not bothered by x/y/z”, or the worst, “you’re not depressed, you’re too happy” (Ok these last folks migh just be delusional themselves).
I guess it is a good thing that people see me this way. I don’t want to be in a funk or have people think of me as, “that depressed girl”.
So here I am, newly-ish divorced and starting 2011 in a funk. This happens every year and lasts usually until at least after I get my taxes done in mid- February. Nothing like a tax refund to cheer one up. I hope with the sale of our house this year, I still get something back or at least don’t owe.
So blah, blah, blah what does this all mean. Well it means that I might be whining writing a bit more about feeling in a funk or whatever. Bear with me or skip reading all together until the spring. Things always look up for me then and don’t worry I do always come out of the funk!