It is a historical fact that I deal with depression and anxiety and that it gets worse in the winter. So do millions of other people. The thing is, I don’t really talk about it much anymore. When I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety back in 1995 I talked and blogged about it a lot. It was my catharsis and it helped a lot then, in fact, it is how I started blogging.
Now I know it will pass. As much as I hate the dark cloud and hate the funk I know it passes. I know it can creep up on me and permeate my presence at any time, but that the winter months are the worst and I know *this* winter in particular is a rocky one.
It’s my first winter on my own after my divorce and I am just feeling lonely and blue. I am and have always been a functioning depressed person. No matter how bad I feel I have always gone to work, held up my obligations, and pushed it aside for others. I can count on one hand the number of times I have stayed home just because I didn’t feel like going to work.
Some people say this is good to, “just keep moving” and most of the time I think so to, but there are times when I do wonder, “what would happen if I just stopped and gave into it?” 
I hate being in a funk but giving into it just isn’t in my nature. I have learned over the years to give myself time and space to just be – but never to just stop all together. Someone once gave me a button that said something along the lines of, “Destress? But stress is the glue that holds me together.”
Somedays that is more true than I would like to admit. The problem with this approach is that everyone then thinks you are this super strong person and they walk around saying things like, “wow I am surprised at how well you handled your divorce,” or “she can handle it, she’s not bothered by x/y/z”, or the worst, “you’re not depressed, you’re too happy” (Ok these last folks migh just be delusional themselves).
I guess it is a good thing that people see me this way. I don’t want to be in a funk or have people think of me as, “that depressed girl”.
So here I am, newly-ish divorced and starting 2011 in a funk. This happens every year and lasts usually until at least after I get my taxes done in mid- February. Nothing like a tax refund to cheer one up. I hope with the sale of our house this year, I still get something back or at least don’t owe.
So blah, blah, blah what does this all mean. Well it means that I might be whining writing a bit more about feeling in a funk or whatever. Bear with me or skip reading all together until the spring. Things always look up for me then and don’t worry I do always come out of the funk!

4 replies on “Da Funk

  1. It's hard being on your own during the holidays, and after the holidays when everyone kind of feels that christmas-crash. I, too, find winter difficult. I don't love the cold or the snow, but what kills me is the dark. I know there's that whole vitamin D seasonal affective thing, but it's also mental for me. When it gets dark at 5pm, I feel like the day is already over and what have I accomplished?The good news is we're past 12/21 so it will get lighter! And (eventually) warmer!But whine away! This is your party and you can cry if you want to! Why else would one want to have a blog? ;){{hugs}}

  2. don't you have a trip to FLorida coming up? I wish I had a carrot-on-a-stick like that to encourage me in these wintry months! :)I also LOVE finishing the taxes…in fact, since I do my own w. tax prep software, I get anxious until I have all of my paperwork (w-2s, 1099's etc) so I can efile and get that cashola back and pay off Xmas bills!

  3. I'm the same way. The gym will help. I started taking Vitamin D a couple of years ago and it's helped a great deal as well. I take 2000IU a day. And you're grieving, so you're supposed to be sad. It does wear a person out though:)

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