What the heck is going on with me? I am feeling restless, anxious, edgy, sad you name it. Damn. I think it is a combination of Mother’s Day and well whatever else.
Everywhere I looked this week it is a mom or a dad with a little kid, or even worse all three of them together. Toss in a dog and you have a full family on a walk, with a cute kid dressed in rain boots that look like frogs, or ladybugs, splashing in puddles, swinging on swings, holding hands, and me with my sad heart, tearing up with big ole tears all over the place the last few days.
I will never have that and it is bothering me out of the blue more than I expected the last few days. I will never be a mom. I am so blessed to have my nieces. I know that. I know and I count all of my blessings every day.
But I will never have a small little person calling me mom, depending on me, wrapping their little arms around me, and saying silly little things that kids say, and that makes me so sad.
Almost being 40 makes me sad. Knowing Marley is aging quickly makes me sad. Fretting about some other not serious but annoying shit I don’t write about here makes me sad, and annoyed, but mostly just sad. Not being able to make a decision to save my life since my divorce makes me wonder who the heck I have morphed into. I am strong enough to handle all this and I know it will be “OK”- blah, blah, blah – but tonight I feel sad, and a little broken, and sad.
It’s a feeling of wanting a child of my own and also wanting to be a child again when EVERYTHING WAS SIMPLER. When did it get hard?
I will be back on the positive outlook, positive thinking path tomorrow but tonight I am just sad and I don’t know what to do with that – so I am just letting it be what it is, and hoping if I don’t try to squelch it down it will pass more quickly on its own.