I have 7 days left in my 30’s. In a week I will turn 40 and I am not sure how I feel about that. I have heard every cliche in the book from my friends and family:
“Oh come ON 40 isn’t that old”
“You are only as old as you feel”
“Forty is just a number”
“My best years were after 40”
You get the drift.
I know it is just a number but it is still messing with my head a little bit. For the most part I am happy with where I am and what I have accomplished up to this point in my life. The “weird” feeling I have about turning 40 is more about feeling like I am running out of time.
For what I have no idea. One of my biggest fears is growing old alone and dying alone and destitute. (Well that and being burned in a fire but that seems pretty unrelated to turning 40 so I will skip that for now!) Not having kids of my own heightens this. I want to mean something to someone. At the end of it all I guess I want to have mattered.
I mean isn’t that ultimately what we all want? To be loved, accepted, and to have mattered to someone, to many, in our lifetime? I know it is what I want. I know I have it in many ways friends, and family but I feel like something is missing. I also feel like the harder I try to definite it the more elusive it might be, so most of the time I am not so cerebral about it all. Turning 40 has just made me temporarily
I know, we all ultimately die alone, but I crave security and company and right now I am just in a place where I am learning to work with the changes in my life and redefine a few things – like what security and company mean. I survived my divorce last year, and now this year, I am starting to learn what it means to be me on the other side of it.
Seriously I do not mean to sound as dreary as this post. I am not bummed out, or sad I have just been really, really pensive about what it all means as I approach 40.
I suspect I might me pontificating on random thoughts quite a bit this week. Thanks for bearing with me.