I don’t know why but I feel like writing a little bit more before I head to bed tonight. I have been feeling down on myself the last week or so and I can’t quite put my finger on it. None of the little things that have have been on my mind are enough on their own to be bothered by but maybe they add up to the proverbial “pebble in my shoe” that is just making me irritable.

I have been really bummed lately at the lack of connection I have with  my brother. We live close, we are friendly and if anyone saw us together they would say we are great. But it’s deeper than that. He never calls just to say hello or ask how I am. When he does call it is only to ask if I can help with the girls (which I love doing). I just feel like if it weren’t for the girls, I’d never hear from him – and that makes me sad because when it comes right down to it – we are family.

A little more than that is the “elephant in the room” of a $500 deposit I put down to rent his summer cottage this summer. When things went bad with my back, I had to change my vacation schedule. He doesn’t think he should refund me the deposit bc no one else rented the place. I think he should – again we are family – and I sure as hell would do it for him – he could at least offer to split it.

Sometimes I just think he and my sister in law think I have it “easy” because I don’t have kids. Easy financially and easy in general. It’s not easy. Different yes, easy no. I was married to someone who really sucked the financial life out of me for 10 years. It’s not easy to be at 40 and be renting, single, and still paying off debt from long ago.

So yea, there is that. 

Romantically I am still heartbroken over CR ending things earlier this year, and I am feeling all over the map about AS already having found someone else and moved on and move to another state. I know we easily forget the bad parts, and that the pain of how unhappy I was fades, but gosh I hate being alone. My friend keeps telling me I have to be happy alone before I can be happy with someone. Sorry but I think that is crap. I like sharing the details of life with someone, I love the companionship of being around someone, why do I have to like being along. I CAN be alone, and I CAN take care of myself — but I don’t have to like it, be happy about it, or prefer it over being with others.

Theres more I could ramble on about – the physical changes I see in myself, how I wish I liked exercising; you know the typical stuff, bit I am getting tired enough that I am going to just fall asleep.

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